You Might Be a Grammar Redneck

I’m warning you. I’ve got a semi-colon and I’m not afraid to use it!

With all due respect to Mr. Jeff Foxworthy, the indomitable king of all redneck-related humor, I present to you a major reason some people may have trouble getting on with and communicating effectively with others in this life – they just might be a grammar redneck.

  1. If you think a semi-colon is what’s left after gastric bypass surgery – you might be a grammar redneck.
  2. If you think a comma is what great grandpa slipped into after consuming too much moonshine during the Great depression – you might be a grammar redneck.
  3. If you think conjugation is something you’ll have to “ask the parson about before commentin on it”– you might be a grammar redneck.
  4. If you think an apostrophe is one of the dudes who hung out with Jesus – you might be a grammar redneck.
  5. If you think sentence structure is what the county court uses to determine prison terms – you might be a grammar redneck.
  6. If you believe plagiarism is what happened in the Dark Ages that caused zombies to be invented – you might be a grammar redneck.
  7. If you think a paragraph is what you get when you skin both your knees real bad in an ATV accident – you might be a grammar redneck.
  8. If you think a colon is those two dots on your phone that you combine with that “arch” thingy to make a smiley face – you might be a grammar redneck.
  9. And finally, if you think a period is what happens after a relatively calm and peaceful part of the month – you are a grammar redneck.

The ability to write coherent sentences and paragraphs helps people fill out job applications and build winning resumes. It inhibits gross stupidity from being posted on Facebook and Twitter. It even helps folks get dates through posting witty profiles on internet dating sites. Please don’t settle for mediocrity as a thinking, communicating human being.

For those who are true grammar rednecks, I have some good news. There is a more accomplished version of you waiting to emerge. Yes, there is some hard work involved, just like there is in any kind of self-improvement project. But you can do this. So whip out those semi-colons and periods and don’t be afraid to use them. And don’t worry, lots of folks will find your conjugations fascinating.

George Reagan

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